The day at the races still haunts me. If I’ve ever done that to you hell would have rained upon me especially if it was something so near and dear to your heart.
It was supposed to be a happy day in LA. That trip wasn’t even for me and the boys but rather an excuse just to see your gorgeous face, feel your embrace, and show you how much I missed you.
That wasn’t even the case. As I prepped and spent my last penny to just spend a moment with you that weekend was just…
…a fever dream.
I created a boundary for myself. I hit the clock at 11pm so we can have some rest before my race but even at that you just had to press to watch ESTA.
I did it for you, I sacrificed and broke that boundary just so I can see you happy. Yet, it was a whole issue and you just had to press me the whole night before my 8am race. As we left the echoplex back to the bnb, you didn’t even allow me to help you or anything.
I gave you the opportunity to just be there and you didn’t even want to sleep next to me in the same bed. You stayed on the fucking floor and I just begged and pleaded for you to on the bed just to be in your presence and feel your weight next to mine. You agreed and even when I came into cuddle you hit me with a
DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME.
So I turned around and cried…
the whole night
…my heart was aching.
How could I be close to someone who I loved the most but yet feel so far?
I cried and cried and 4:45 am hit.
It’s race day.
I got ready, and asked if you were going to the race but you said you were going straight home.
I begged again for you to stay and AGAIN…
…you shut me down.
I took it like a man. I just said fuck it and helped you pack your things.
As I helped you with your bags you got into your car and I asked again if you were really leaving and you said yeah and decided to slam your door on my hand as I tried one more time to plea.
I grimaced and writhed in pain in the middle of the street in a suburban neighborhood in LA and all of a sudden now you wanted to help and all of a sudden I turned cold.
I now knew where we stood in this relationship.
You asked if I was okay and I just told you to go home.
The homies asked when I got back inside if everything was G and I lied and said yes.
They asked if you were coming and I covered for you and said you had things to take care of.
We left to the race and all of a sudden you wanted to care.
To grab some ice from Starbucks thinking it help a swollen wrist.
We got at the parking garage and we waited for you and the ice.
To be honest I couldn’t care less.
It was the principle.
How could you just switch up.
One fucking day I ask for you to be there and you decided to not even support me in the one fucking thing I cared about.
I didn’t even try to train for that 10k, I just wanted to see you and love on you but obviously you checked out ages ago.
We argued again over the phone for 15 minutes about if you should stay.
I just left it as is and turned off the phone to get ready for the race.
At least I got some beats out of it.
Beats and a broken heart.
Fast forward to the last week of June 2018 you told me you’d be busy with grad school stuff.
I accepted that.
It was a Tuesday.
You said you’d text back.
You didn’t.
4 days. 96 hours. 5760 minutes.
However the fuck you wanted to cut it you couldn’t spend a damn second updating me.
That’s how we ended it.
Rather you post on IG with 15 hastags.
Fuck holding my tongue.
I hope it was all worth it.
Lowkey wish I would’ve listened to you when you wrapped your legs around me and told me to come deep but that’s a different story.
But for now I hope you’re doing amazing. I know no one will ever see this.
